Let's start with the end and work our way back. What is it we fear most, what do we think our children need protection from? I'd be willing to bet that for most of us, our entire list of monsters (gunmen, illness, etc) all point to death, or the thought of our kids scared and alone without us there to save them. That second part, my kids being alone and scared- and my not being able to comfort them- that feels the biggest to me, how about you? I want my kids to know they're never really alone, that when they feel scared and alone, that connection and help and safety is always available to them- someone who knows their heart, who will understand their vulnerabilities and meet their greatest needs. And here's the kicker that feels the scariest to me: if I really want this for them more than I want to be the one who is providing it, then I have to admit that I'm not at all the person for the job. Ouch. I can admit that I cannot always physically be there for them-and even if I could be, I am no match for the fear that would arise from a gunman or cancer. And to add to that pain, I realize that there is no person at all who fits the bill for that job; that no parent, teacher, doctor, lawmaker, or spiritual leader will ever be able to be that person for my kids or anyone else. If I look deeply enough, I see that there is no person, law, gun, or security system that can possibly accomplish the comfort and security that I want for my kids to experience always. I'm realizing that they have to learn how to source their own power and voice, they have to realize an inner strength, peace, and connection that has nothing to do with me or anyone or anything else outside of them- and that my only true job as a parent is only to model that for them in my own life so that they can learn for themselves how to do it in theirs. This realization feels a a little like death to me, my primary identity as a mother and protector, gone.
Let's explore the big one: death. It's hard to do, facing this primal fear. No one wants to talk about our gravest fears, especially not when it involves our children. But it's here, and more present than ever, so let's try to be honest with ourselves and have the hard talk, feel the big feels. Death, besides birth and belly buttons, is the only thing that will happen to every single body on this planet, regardless of age or demographic. Not one body is immune to death, no matter how young or old, no matter the painful or peaceful circumstances surrounding it, no matter where you live or what your religious beliefs are, no matter how much money you have,what kinds of products you use or health plan you follow, no matter what laws you support or what types of guns you have. Every single body dies- young or old, it will happen. For many that is scary as hell to admit- and for many of those people, even reading what I just wrote feels callous and heartless, albeit a known fact. And as a society, the fear and denial of death as a part of our process is palpable with the billions and billions of dollars pouring in from every direction to try to make it stop. But we all know it's not going to. In fact, it's quite the opposite- the phrase "what you resist persists" applies here. The more we fear it and push against the inevitability of physical death, the more the manifestation of it in physical reality attends to those fears by applying the same force. By trying to push death away and doing everything possible to avoid our deepest fears, we bring them closer and make them bigger, louder, scarier- until it gets unbearable and we have no option but to face what we've pushed so hard to avoid. We're there now. What we see right now manifested in this world is our very own creation. OUR creation, not theirs (whoever is being pegged as the scapegoat), only ours. Ours to claim response-ability for and ours to change if we choose- and we all have this ability to respond. So what do we DO to stop this momentum? What do we DO to respond and create real lasting change? We need to STOP doing and start EXPLORING and FULLY FEELING the beliefs and emotions we fear most. We're such a "doing" society- buying, efforting our way to resolutions that only can ever truly be resolved by facing the feelings and fears that create them.
So what would happen if society tried a different approach and instead started to explore its fear of death? Instead of pushing it away and trying everything under the sun to avoid the single thing that is unavoidable for every body, what would it look like if society as a whole gave up the fight and had enough courage to face its fears head-on, and fully feel all the feelings that come up with that exploration? What would happen if we learn to do this for ourselves and allowed our kids to grow and learn how to do this naturally, without any interference from our unresolved fears and distorted belief systems? Like really, on a practical level, what would this look like? How and where do we start?
Ghandi's "be the change you wish to see" is the only place we can start. It's a personal shift that involves very little time at first, doing nothing more than just being an observer of you. We think we have ourselves all figured out, but truly most of what we know about ourselves is a complex web of what has been told or taught to us- to start to unwind and get to the heart of who you really are, you have to spend time with yourself. No special postures to place yourself in or places to travel to, just spending time with yourself by tuning out the noise of the external world (the news, gossip, whatever swirling chaos is around you) and spending some quality time on the inner landscape. Get to know yourself, truly truly know yourself- start to notice how certain thoughts conjure up certain emotions, or start to let yourself feel some deep emotions in a big way and see what thoughts they bring up. This happens in the quietness of just sitting and being still, or in the growing awareness of your reactions to your environment as you move throughout your daily life. Just the recognition, the awareness that there is an inner landscape to who we are, is a huge step. And then, as the web of thoughts and emotions unwinds more and more with the time we spend genuinely interested in getting to know ourselves, as we trace our emotions back to thoughts and our thoughts back to the belief systems we've picked up along the way, we start to experiment with daring to look at and feel more. The more we experiment with looking at fears and fully feeling big emotions, the more we realize that we are capable of looking at and feeling anything while remaining perfectly safe, and the more we start to notice that, we're able to breathe a little easier in our daily life. A lightness begins to emerge that relieves some of the urgency and pressure we've felt, and a growing source of power within us lights up and reminds us that there is so much more than what we see. We start being less susceptible to the thoughts and opinions of those around us, less reliant on any outside forces to soothe and nourish us, and more reliant on our own inner knowing. Fear starts to loosen its hold as we realize that there is nothing in this world that can harm this deep true nature of who we are. We start to become our own source of power and strength, our own caregivers, our own best friend and one true love. Rooted in this place of security and love, we start to see this capability in others, start to recognize their true nature and appreciate the journey they're on. This is an individual journey, but because all of life is connected through and through, it is also a collective journey and so the vision doesn't stop with us.
Before long, overwhelming numbers of people start to sense and know that there is so much more to the body than the parts that can be seen, so much more than the parts that will pass away. More and more, people dare to share what they're seeing, knowing and sensing, and together a realization forms that there exists in each of us, and collectively as one, an unending core essence, a source of this embodied life, a love and peace so deep that it's unshakable in the face of all circumstance. Collectively, we start to see who we really are and what we're capable of, apart from what we're told by the media and lawmakers, apart from the beliefs, fears, and coping strategies we learned along the way. And the more time we spend exploring this essence that never dies, this safety and comfort that has nothing to do with any external events or people, the more we start to feel the connection with all of life, with all that is and ever was, and our actions start naturally mirroring this knowing as we interact with earth and all that's on it. This process of anchoring into the true everlasting love that we are made of dissolves any lingering fears of death as our connection to life and its natural rhythms grows. There's an indescribable freedom and peace there in that place of connection, a love that radiates within and out in all directions.
Do fears and tough feelings arise once in awhile to stir us up? Yup, that's our human story- looking at the fears head on, allowing and feeling everything they bring up for us is how we grow and change. Birth, death, rebirth- the pulse of life. Facing our feelings and fears won't kill us, it will let us live- fully, freely, and with passion.
So how can you protect your kids? Show them by your example that you can face your greatest fears, that you can safely feel big scary things and express your biggest and scariest feelings without hurting any bodies in the process. Through your example, remind them how to tap into the their true nature so that they can more readily access this well-spring of love that is our birthright, so that they can touch the true source of love, comfort, and security regardless of any circumstances swirling around them. Anchor in truth, in your divinity, in life beyond physicality, in faith that there is a divine timing and rhythm to life. Anchor yourself, and then them, in love.
