The primal scream

Growing up, our family went to the same amusement park every summer. And although I looked forward to it as one of the main highlights of every summer, I can look back and see I also dreaded it a bit- because every year I would listen to the part of me that was too scared to get on the scariest rides. If you're someone who has always liked scary rides, this story may not make sense to you, but those rides were terrifying to me- even from the ground. My best friend from childhood was someone who, as soon as she was tall enough, would hop right in line with my dad and my older brother. A huge part of me wanted to be there too with them. And a couple of times I actually did hop right in line with them, like I wasn't scared at all...and then I scooted right out once the pounding in my chest took over, or I got any hint of it being too late to bail out. And every single time, I would watch safely from the ground- desperately wanting to have the courage to be up there with them, in my head knowing that it must be incredibly thrilling (and even safe?) if so many people kept riding over and over again. Yet I still stood and watched, refusing everyone's prodding to just try. Year after year, for at least a decade of years when I was tall enough to have been up there with them, I looked on with jealousy as if I had no choice. When I was 16, as part of a big youth group trip to a huge amusement park, I succummbed to peer pressure and hopped in line. Ironically, the feeling I have right now sitting here at my desk in my quiet house while I write this is almost identical to the internal feelings I experienced that day. I will never forget what that was like- standing in line for that ride, knowing in your heart that you're actually finally going to do it, that you're determined to get on that damn ride and not sit this one out, even though you might just throw up waiting in line thinking about it. The thrill and the terror all at once as you watch people getting off talking about how amazing it was and how much you're going to love it, listening to them and wanting to believe that, but at the same time silently looking at all the crazy dangerous twists and turns and hearing the terrifying screams. Trying hard to convince yourself to stick with it, stay put despite what you see, watching people get back in line, and assuring yourself it has to be safe and fun if they keep going, trying hard to ignore the voice in your head that keeps pointing out the part of the ride that you can't even see- the part of the ride where you hear the most screams coming from. Then the moment that you're up, first in line, and you become convinced that you're actually really going to hurl from the amount of butterflies and who knows what else that seems to freaking out with you in your guts. That moment when you recognize that this is your very last chance to bail, and yet you stand still. Desperate with fear, but for once not running from it. Sitting in the seat, buckling in, reassuring yourself that you're truly not going to die, that you can do this.... the take off, the terrifyingly slow and crickety climb up what some part of you still thinks could be the plunge to your death....and then AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!! The release, the primal scream from somewhere deep inside you that you didn't even know existed until now, followed by the scream that comes from not knowing what else to do when your stomach threatens to exit your body. Oh my goodness, I hate that feeling, that horrible awful feeling in my stomach- the one I always dreaded and knew would be there, but really all you can do is scream to physically keep that feeling at bay. And so I screamed, louder and louder, longer and longer- all to keep away that feeling of my stomach flying up. But then I noticed something....for as much as I hated that feeling in my stomach, I was in love with that scream, that forceful release that feels so out of my control. In fact, in that quick moment, I realized that I love that scream more than I hate the feeling of my stomach flying up into my throat. So much so, in fact, that I realized I was still screaming even when were climbing again and not coming down anymore. So much so that, ever since that day, I have never gone to an amusement park and NOT ridden a roller coaster or something terrifying like it...and to this day I scream like a banchee from beginning to end, delighfully humiliating any child that happens to be graced with the seat next to me!

And so here I am today writing about and reliving this vivid memory, this part of my history that I realize now both existed in history and in this moment all at once, for this realization today: as much as I think I want safety, I don't. Although my pattern has been to hold on tightly to what feels secure and solid ground, what I truly crave is the thrill, the scream, the primal release that comes from going for something that feels so unsure and scary- trusting the voice in me that assures me it will all be fine and letting that bigger part of me take over and express how it needs to during the most terrifying parts, without any part of me needing to control or know the outcome. And I see now that the momentum builds; with every experience of this letting go and trusting, I can feel a sense of deep purpose and alignment and expansion that is greater than any fear, feeling, thought or emotion. It is my deepest desire, this freedom and this release.

Last night, at the request of Kyle Cease's book, I made a list of all the things that I want, all my deepest desires for this life. The list included some circumstantial things like treating my body better and traveling more, and some of those things I know will be natural by-products of what's happening for me, but mostly the list reflected the deep desire I have to live in my truth, to be authentic to who I truly know I am and the potential within me, rather than how the world has taught me to be, or how I've decided the world expects me to be. And this. Writing. This is one of the ways that I'm called to express in this world- this is my playground. And singing. God, what joy comes from me belting my voice out in devotion! Regardless of who is reading, lsitening or watching, I am intent on listening to and following my inner guidance, to acting consciously in every moment, truly listening for the voice that is me and turning down the volume of all the voices that are not. In the name of sweet freedom, out of love for this world and deep dedication to my calling, today marks a moment I am committed to breaking some habits and patterns that I have shackled myself to. This post today, and for the next 90 days at least, is my response to a deep calling within me to express myself as the infinite source that I know is truly me. This is my attempt to free myself from the self-imposed chains of fear and illusion that I've created through this safe and beautiful picture of a life. This is my white flag of surrender, my willingness to walk my rock-solid identity as I've known it into its certain death- I'm handing myself over to who and what I truly am, and how it is that I am to serve. I pledge to myself in this moment to live my truth.

For about a year now, I've been feeling overly comfortable with life- contentment to the point of complacency. Don't get me wrong- I recognize that I am playing in a great life- I have manifested myself into a safe and lucrative job, with a wonderful loving husband who has helped to create and raise 3 great kids, 2 sweet dogs, and 1 crazy cat in a comfortable home in an incredibly beautiful place with amazing experiences to draw upon. If I am 100% honest, which I determined to be here now, I will also say that I am also experiencing a level of disgust, frustration, and BOREDOM with the stagnation of this day to day beautiful and safe, yet mundane life that I've so perfectly created. I often say the mantra to myself, "I am happy, I am healthy, I am abundant, I am free" and I can see that circumstantially, when I look at my life, I have co-created exactly what I thought that mantra meant. And while deeply appreciative for the happiness, health, abundance and freedom that I enjoy in my life, I see now that I've barely even touched the surface of potential for what is available to me; I want more in a profoundly deeper way than I ever could have or ever will be able to imagine. I'm realizing that I'm done with playing small- and although it so totally excites me to have reached this point of surrender, it's terrifying all at the same time- terrifyingly exciting. I am totally and completely uninterested in continuing to be safe and comfortable at the cost of feeling alive and excited about life. I know that being comfortable and safe is not what I was called here to do or be. I (we) are built for so much more. At 41 I'm finally ready to hop on the real ride of life- I'm all done watching safely from the ground. I have zero idea what comes next, but I know it's going to be terrifyingly exciting and I think I really really love that.

Safety, stability, and security

What you are moving into with your new creations are of a higher frequency, a frequency where there is no tolerance for fear, no need for what you have always considered to be a stable, safe, or secure way of going about your life. What you are moving into with your new creations is a desire to be at the edge without attachment to outcome, without question about how you will be taken care of or what will come next- you are learning to embrace the unknown, learning to flourish in the face of anxiety over what comes next, learning the art of alchemy as you transform fear and anxiety into excitement and faith. You are learning that this way of life, standing at the edge and welcoming the unknown next step, trusting that the universe is always conspiring in your favor, is THE security and stability your soul has always craved. With the deep knowing that everything is as it should be at all times, that there is nothing you need to do or be in order to experience complete freedom in all your choices- simply choose in the moment that which brings you the most joy. As you experience these new energies that are coming to you, as you grow deeper in your faith of the universe and trust more in the unknown, you will find safety, stability, and security in simply being in union with your creations, one with the source and creator that you are.  

Creating

Life is so much simpler than you would have it be with all your drama, your questions, your wonderings, your musings. You were born as a seeker, looking to return to source. But you were also born to experience life, and all the adventures of not knowing. The veil has purpose, the not knowing has a purpose! We laugh and enjoy your always wanting to know all the answers, because you have all the answers, you are the answer! You are creating the answers as you're thinking of the questions you're asking! And it's beautiful, this whole creation process. It feels safe to know, to be assured that you're doing everything right, but we would love you to experience the marvel of the unknown, the wondrous nature of  not knowing, not understanding, of being always at the edge of creation because you don't know! When you can do this, when you can stand at the edge of creation without knowing what will happen next, and still find joy, still know peace, it is then that you have discovered the most beautiful secret of all- fearlessness, and the freedom that exists within that fearlessness. You can relax and know that there's nothing that you need to do, there's nobody that you need to become, nothing you need to say, no one you need to please. It is all you, and you are perfect in everything that you do, everything that you say, and in just being who you are, as you are now. You are enough! This time of energetic ascension on your planet will have your answers manifesting at an exponential rate; your creations are fast and furious, faster in fact than perhaps your physical, emotional, and mental bodies are comfortable with in some regards. Yet they're here nonetheless, these creations. Be mindful of your thoughts, knowing that what you think about and make decisions or form beliefs around, is what you create. And in what you think about, we encourage you not to attend to outcomes, but attend instead to the qualities, the frequencies, that you wish to create- whether that be love, peace, freedom, excitement. There is nothing that is not available to you already- no experience, no frequency, truly no thing- but know that the "thing" that you call to you through your thoughts are not what you are seeking, but rather the quality or frequency that you seek to experience from the having or experiencing of that "thing". We encourage you to spend time during your days tapping into your desired frequency directly, without perceiving any particular outcome, without knowing how that frequency will manifest in your life. And then move on with your day, your mind at ease with the knowing that you have created that which brings along with it that frequency, Observe the moments throughout your day when you are experiencing this identified frequency, notice the syncronicities that come with this alignment, and you will experience supreme gratitude and appreciation for the creator nature that you are, which in turn will cause you to be evermore proficient at focusing in on these desired frequencies that you effortlessly tune into. You are beautful and perfect, just as you are. We ask you to please go within, when you question, or when you feel a struggle. The answers are there, and if you have any desire at all for assistance, know that it is abundant all around you. Aspects of you in the form of guides, ascended masters, angels, and archangels- literally dominions waiting to support you if you would only just ask. Ask them to guide you through your daily intentions, ask them to guide you through the opportunities that present themselves to you throughout your days, ask them to make clear the paths that are available to you and the energetics that are behind those paths will become known to you so that you can make choices based on desired energetic frequencies rather than on what you are seeing circumstantially. We encourage you to look beyond any circumstances at all that you see around you, whether that be your own reflection in the mirror, upon your neighbor's face, or on the screens before you. These circumstances are but refelctions of past creations. Create anew! Create anew now because that's what you came to do! Ignore what you see before you and create anew. We say to you again: find the frequency that you desire and choose to respond to that frequency only. Your desired path will be made clear to you in these ways. And remember always that all paths are perfect. You cannot make a mistake! Any so called mistake is simply a new route, a strengthening, an opportunity to transform. You will wake up to the powerful creator that you are. You will realize that you have all the answers to any question within you. You will see yourself as perfect, just as you are. And in those moments, you will lift up all those around you, simply by being. And THAT is the simple miracle of creation, that's the simple beauty of your life, that by existing AS YOU ARE, as the creator that you came here to be, you can carry along and lift other aspects of yourself into love and light. As a planet, you are doing this now. We are raising the consciousness of this planet, now in this moment, together, just by being. You are supported. We are supported. We are one. And we are love.